she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
