My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
