I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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