I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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