He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
