i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
