I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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