My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
