I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
