But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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