How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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