My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
