Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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