If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
