wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
