You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
