I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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