and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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