is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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