so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
