You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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