I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
