found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
