Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I had to cum in my sink.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
