how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
