YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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