What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
