i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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