thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
