Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
