Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
