Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
