Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
