I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
