i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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