I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
