you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
