I just made out with a guy for $7.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
