Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Let's get the cat blown out
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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