I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
