If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
