she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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