PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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