$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
