I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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