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I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
