Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
