The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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