she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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