you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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