I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
