Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
