standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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